Shallow Ivy
by Lilymaid620
Summary: Ivy is working in her flower shop when Selina needs her to resolve a dispute her and regular customer, Oswald. "Would you ever date a guy shorter than you?" "No Way." Funny AU set in my Starbucks and AirDrop universe. Harlivy One-Shot. Mentions Spideypool and Catwoman/Batman.


**Shallow Ivy**

 _This story takes place in an Alternate Universe I have where Harley and Wade are roommates. You can read the other stories in this universe,_ _ **Starbucks and AirDrop**_ _and_ _ **Fine**_ _which are Spideypool stories._

* * *

It was another typical day at Gotham's Glories as Pamela "Ivy" Isley was creating a new bouquet of fresh, colorful tulips in a beautiful clear glass vase. She loved days like this when the shop was quiet and she could just focus on her work. She honestly preferred plants to people, which was why she owned a flower shop, so she could work tending to the plants and creating beautiful bouquets, not running the cash register or taking orders. That was her coworker Selina Kyle's job, Ivy handled the plants and she handled the people. That was the set-up and that was how Ivy liked it.

Like today, Selina was chatting with Oswald, a shop regular, as Ivy finished up his bouquet. Today's bouquet was a birthday gift for his secretary.

"I still don't understand what was wrong with my original idea. Roses are a perfectly fine flower. I don't want Hildie to think I cheaped out. The woman knows I'm a CEO and she knows what I can afford. And tulips just seem so… common."

"Trust me, Oswald, tulips will be much better. If you gave her roses it would say the wrong thing. Roses are the flowers of love. I can't tell you how many rose deliveries I've made on Secretary's day and every time they just look embarrassed."

"Roses are a lovely flower, why should they be embarrassed?"

"They are lovely, that's why they're the flower of LOVE! You shouldn't be sending those to your secretary unless you have some inter-office romance going on." Oswald spluttered at this suggestion.

"I would never! The very idea! It would be highly inappropriate and against policy."

"Exactly! And sending those flowers would just make her think you want something more and that wouldn't end well. Hopefully, she'd let you down easy."

"Obviously she would because she wouldn't want to break company policy."

"Yeah, well, I guess that would be a reason too."

"What do you mean too?"

"It's just that, what does this Hildie look like? Attractive?"

"I guess objectively one might say so. I do not think about her that way as she is my employee."

"Of course, it's just. If can be honest with you Oswald?"

"You know I appreciate your candor always Miss Kyle."

"Not to be rude, but you aren't exactly conventionally attractive there Ozzie."

"I don't think I understand what you mean."

"Well, for me it would be the height." Ivy held back a snort. Oswald was the shortest guy she knew, he was barely even 5 ft and she knew he wore lifts.

"Height can't really be that much of a factor Miss Kyle."

"It's a bigger one than you think."

"If this is your idea of a joke Miss Kyle I can assure you that it is not amusing!"

"I was just being honest Ozzie, I thought you enjoyed 'my candor'. If you don't believe me maybe we should get someone else's opinion." Oh no, she wasn't going to… she wouldn't.

"Yes, let us settle this matter once and for all."

"Sounds good to me, hey Ivy!" She would. Ivy groaned and walked over.

"What Selina?"

"Oswald and I need you to settle something for us."

"Is this really necessary?" Ivy asked, fighting the urge to grimace.

"I'm afraid so Miss Isley."

"Fine, what is it then?"

"Would you ever date a guy shorter than you?" Selina had an evil glint in her eye. She had always been a sly one Ivy was sure that when she'd asked the question she already knew what Ivy's answer would be. But still, she played along with Selina's little game.

"No Way." She deadpanned. Selina's Cheshire Cat grin spread across her face as Oswald's face was flashing between red and purple.

"Really Miss Isley! I might have expected an answer of this sort from Miss Kyle but you. I never took you for one who was so focused on looks. Really such unadulterated shallowness I never would've expected from the likes of you. I must say you have lost a considerable amount of my respect. I am ashamed of you Miss Isley. I never!" He continued on in this fashion for a good two minutes before Ivy could get a word in while he was pausing to take a breath. She looked in dead in the eye.

"I'm a lesbian Oswald." He froze and turned bright red while Selina burst into peals of laughter next to her. It was the quietest she'd ever seen Oswald, the man tended to be rather outspoken and pompous at times. She had to admit, more than a small part of her was finding perverse pleasure in rendering the man speechless. Honestly, looking at is small round body in his white and black suit, mouth opening and closing wordlessly under his beaklike nose, the man looked like an overgrown penguin. Ivy walked over to the completed bouquet and set it on the table. "That'll be $34.99." He nodded and fumbled in his wallet, pulling out two twenties and handing them to Selina, taking his flowers. He managed to mutter out an embarrassed "keep the change," before waddling out of the store. Ivy rolled her eyes and went back to work. She needed to make and roll 9 bouquets white calla lilies and blue roses for a wedding in 2 days.

"That was awesome Ivy! I've never seen him look like that!" Selina cackled.

"You knew what my answer was going to be. That's why you worded the question that way."

"That may be true," she purred, "but it doesn't make his reaction any less hilarious."

"Is your fiance aware of how devious you are?"

"Please, Bruce finds it sexy as hell. Even if he won't admit it out loud, he definitely shows it in the bedroom."

"Get back to work."

* * *

Ivy unlocked the door to the apartment and set her keys down on the table by the door as she kicked off her shoes. She'd just finished hanging up her purse on one of the free hooks by the door when two figure came bounding up and jumped on her. The first was a little wiener dog who was barking and jumping up on her legs. The second was a blonde woman with fresh pink and blue tipped pigtails who threw her arms around Ivy in a big hug. This was her girlfriend, Harleen "Harley" Quinzel, and her dog, Fido. Ivy was surprised, not at the actions of her girlfriend or the dog, but that there weren't two other there to greet her. Usually, when she came to Harley's apartment after work, Harley's roommate, Wade Wilson, and his boyfriend, Peter Parker, were there to greet her as well.

"It's nice to see you too Harley, but where are Wade and Peter? I thought they'd be here too?"

"Nah, Wadey and the kid are having dinner with Petey's Aunt May tonight. So we have the place all to ourselves tonight. Just the four of us." Ivy chuckled and rolled her eyes.

"Yes. You, me, Fido, and Bernie the stuffed beaver." Harley was beyond eccentric, which was why it was so surprising to people when they found out she had a Ph.D. in Psychology. To Ivy, she was adorable though and she couldn't help but love her wacky girlfriend, even down to the creepy stuffed beaver. "What do Bernie and Fido want for dinner then?"

"Fido wants dog food and ya know Bernie doesn't eat."

"Right, so Italian then?"

"If by Italian ya mean pizza then you've got a deal Red!" Ivy leaned in and kissed her girlfriend.

"Sounds perfect to me. And just wait till I tell you what happened at work today."


End file.
